Chosen Family

 

Scripture

2 Samuel 9:10-13 

9David asked, ‘Is there still anyone left of the house of Saul to whom I may show kindness for Jonathan’s sake?’ ²Now there was a servant of the house of Saul whose name was Ziba, and he was summoned to David. The king said to him, ‘Are you Ziba?’ And he said, ‘At your service!’ ³The king said, ‘Is there anyone remaining of the house of Saul to whom I may show the kindness of God?’ Ziba said to the king, ‘There remains a son of Jonathan; he is crippled in his feet.’ ⁴The king said to him, ‘Where is he?’ Ziba said to the king, ‘He is in the house of Machir son of Ammiel, at Lo-debar.’ ⁵Then King David sent and brought him from the house of Machir son of Ammiel, at Lo-debar. 

⁶Mephibosheth son of Jonathan son of Saul came to David, and fell on his face and did obeisance. David said, ‘Mephibosheth!’ He answered, ‘I am your servant.’ ⁷David said to him, ‘Do not be afraid, for I will show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan; I will restore to you all the land of your grandfather Saul, and you yourself shall eat at my table always.’ ⁸He did obeisance and said, ‘What is your servant, that you should look upon a dead dog such as I am?’

9 Then the king summoned Saul’s servant Ziba, and said to him, ‘All that belonged to Saul and to all his house I have given to your master’s grandson. ¹⁰You and your sons and your servants shall till the land for him, and shall bring in the produce, so that your master’s grandson may have food to eat; but your master’s grandson Mephibosheth shall always eat at my table.’ Now Ziba had fifteen sons and twenty servants. ¹¹Then Ziba said to the king, ‘According to all that my lord the king commands his servant, so your servant will do.’ Mephibosheth ate at David’s table, like one of the king’s sons.  

¹²Mephibosheth had a young son whose name was Mica. And all who lived in Ziba’s house became Mephibosheth’s servants. ¹³Mephibosheth lived in Jerusalem, for he always ate at the king’s table. Now he was lame in both his feet.  (NRSV)

Devotion

 Kinship holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day make me uncomfortable.  I have loving, supportive relationships with my biological family (also known as my family of origin).  But what about people who aren't so blessed?  What about those who have an abusive or neglectful family of origin?  Those who who have complicated, strained, or distant relationships?  Those who have either been kicked out of their family or origin...or who walked away from it for reasons of their own... or who never felt like they had a real family in the first place?  What about people who grieve the loss of family members or who live far from their loved ones?

These situations are why I am glad that God has blessed us with the ability to come together as "chosen families."  A chosen family is a group of non-biologically related people who deliberately chose to build loving and supportive relationships with one another.  Some chosen families are legally recognized; others are not.  Some use age, personality, etc. to create specific roles like parents, aunts, uncles, and siblings; others prefer to keep the relationships more free-form.  Some include people from among folks' biological relatives; others remain completely separate from members' families of origins.  In all of them, people who may seem very different--even completely unrelated--pull together and form a kinship circle centered on love, connection, and support.  A chosen family is a safe place to bring both your joy and your grief; a place where you receive help and help others in return.

The term "chosen family" may be pretty new, but examples of them have been around for millennia.  We even see them occasionally mentioned in the Bible.  One the most touching examples of chosen family is the relationships between King David and Mephibosheth.  This is an unlikely relationship to say the least.  Mephibosheth was just 5 years old when his grandfather Saul and father Jonathan had died in battle at Mount Gilboa.  As the grandson of the previous king, Mephibosheth posed a hypothetical threat to King David's authority.  It would be politically expedient for David to keep the boy out of sight and out of mind...even smarter to kill him. 

Still, David and Mephibosheth's father Jonathan had loved each other deeply; the two men had promised that they and their descendents would always be faithful to each other (1 Samuel 20).  That covenant had turned Jonathan, David, and their descendants into a chosen family.  And so, when David learns that Mephibosheth is alive, disabled, and living off the charity of others, he takes action.  David gives Mephibosheth the land that had belonged to Saul, provides servants to take care of it, and invites Mephibosheth to always eat at the king's table.  This act of love toward's Jonathan's child was the beginning of a special bond tha between David and Mephibosheth them--one that seems to have grown over the years. Mephibosheth became more faithful than David's biological children.  When David fled Jersulam during a revolt, Mephibosheth refused to trim his beard, wash his clothes, or take care of his feet until he was back in David's presence.  When David returned and said he planned to give half of Mephibosheth's land to Ziba, Mephibosheth said that Ziba could have it all.   All he cared about was that David had returned home safely (2 Samuel 19: 24-30).

Mephibosheth's devotion to David had nothing to do with biology.   If anything, Mephiboshet should have wanted David dead for taking the throne that may have passed to him.  It was God's blessing of the commitment David had made first to Jonathan and then to Mephibosheth that made the difference.  God took people who should have been enemies and instead made them a family.  And though their relationship wasn't perfect, the love they learned to feel for each other ended up benefiting both of them in ways that David wouldn't have foreseen.

Once you know how to look for them, it doesn't take long to realize that there are lots of different kinds of chosen families at work in the world.  There are veterans' groups and coffee "buddies" and  bridge clubs that have met for decades.  Support groups for people with substance use disorder and networks of neurodivergant folk. Immigrants and others far from "home" who built close-knit relationships in their new communities.  LGBTQ+ folk who love, accept, and nurture one another even when their biological families have rejected them. Graduate students who help one another survive the pressures of academia.  Each such family is a blessing from God.  

We humans shouldn't really take the credit for building our chosen families.  I believe they are chosen by God, who puts each of us where we need to be in order to enter one another's lives.  And Christ helps certain relationships grow and flourish into something that builds the kind of families we need.  We must do our part, of course, but it is ultimately God who is responsible for the way our chosen families contribute to the good of ourselves, one another, and the world. 

Who but God would have used a snowstorm to begin turning my sister's slight acquaintance with a fellow college student from a very different culture into the type of relationship where our entire families would metaphorically adopt each other?   Years later, I would end up taking a church position near where they were living.  Knowing that my chosen parents and sister can swoop at a moment's notice made my family of origin breathe easier at the thought of me moving.  As my relationship with my chosen family in North Carolina grows deeper, I can see God blessing all of us in all kinds of ways.  

When I was at seminary, who but Christ could have turned a campus library and a community garden into places where I would build deep, meaingful relationships with a small group of people?  Those folks are now my closest confidantes, strongest professional support system, and dearest non-biological family.  And who but Christ would have anticipated how much we would come to rely upon one another when a few years after we all met, a pandemic would leave us all struggling to keep ourselves and our ministries going? I shudder to think about where some of us would be today if God hadn't provided us with had our little chosen family to turn to when things seemed bleak.

They may not all be legally related to me, but I am blessed with more family than I can shake a stick at.  Each one of those people has transformed my life for the better.  I hope they can say the same about me. And because we are now family, their families and mine will do our best to stay true to one another forever.

This day, let us pause to think of our own chosen families...and to thank God for each and every one of those people.  And then, let us commit to keep maintaining those families--to keep growing together and being their for one another and "eating" together...even if our mealtimes have to be metaphorical more often then they are literal.  Finally, let us reach out and make sure that our chosen family members know how grateful we are that God brought them into our lives.  Those families are a blessing.  May we never forget it.

 

Prayer

God, thank you for the family you have chosen for me.  I ask that you help me grow into those relationships in ways that are life-affirming and that honor your will.